Hollow Horizon
by capricious one
Summary: Jane Shepard confronts the reality of how time destroys love. Can it be revived?


HOLLOW HORIZON

_Like you don't already know - these characters belong to BioWare. _

"Half the colony's in there. Do something!" The mechanic yelled.

The Collector ship rocketed away and Shepard watched as its flames became one with the muted sky.

"I did my best. You just hid in your damn bunker," she growled, deciding not to holster her pistol in case this idiot needed a bullet.

"You did better than most, Shepard." Garrus' blue eyes met her green and for a moment, she believed him.

The cowardly survivor advanced with his finger pointed. Shepard's gaze and gun aimed.

He stammered, "Wait, I remember that name. You. You're some kind of big Alliance hero– "

A familiar voice interrupted, one she'd been haunted by for weeks, manifesting from behind a housing module.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel."

Shepard's pistol quivered before she lowered it.

Kaidan Alenko stepped across the threshold and onto the battlefield littered with debris. "You're in the presence of a legend." He turned to face Shepard and with distrust pulling at the edges of his mouth, finished, "And a ghost."

Relief cut through her at the sight of him. Smooth, tanned skin, dark eyes that carried more sorrow than warmth and the hair – while hers was nearly gone, lost to exposure, he still had the same thick black hair and sideburns. Only his shoulders seemed larger under his green armor. Maybe he spent more time in the gym after her death as a way to escape, a way to forget. Would she have done the same had he died instead?

No, she would have continued to fight a losing battle with the Council. Commander Shepard couldn't afford a break. Her training came from charging enemies and taking down merc syndicates, not lifting weights in front of a mirror.

"All the good people we lost and you get left behind. Figures. Screw this. I'm done wit' you Alliance types." The mechanic tossed a final glance at the pair and stomped back to his bunker.

Shepard ignored the man's remark and watched Kaidan stride over to her, a mix of happiness and apprehension swirling in her gut. His arms quickly embraced her. Eyes shut and defenses down, she melted into him, his warmth spreading over her despite the thick armor. Shepard wondered if she felt cold to him, cold like a machine. His lips brushed against her cheek, breezing over her scars, allaying her fears. He whispered, "Jane, it's really you."

Tiny hairs on the back of her neck rose with the use of her first name. Such a simple word, but no one else had said it since she'd been revived. Her pulse quickened with an ache to tell him how much she needed him, how much she just wanted to feel normal, human, to beg him to never leave her in this nightmare of a new life. She moved her mouth greedily to his. Kaidan squeezed her tighter as she tasted him.

...0...

Alliance-issued underwear and sheets tangled between legs. Skin ghosted over skin, biotics tingling with each fingertip touching, exploring, memorizing. Mutiny and insubordination made for elements of danger, but even those tapered into small concerns when compared to the larger one of losing control. Kaidan had her, all of her, in his grasp. She didn't know if he could sense how much she wanted to bleed into him and forget being Commander Shepard. _Universe, let him love me; just Jane._

He kissed her like no one else had dared. The others, men from Basic or her former life on Earth, kissed out of obligation, an avenue to their own pleasure. Not that she cared. For money or just satisfaction, none of them mattered. She couldn't let them. Her plan, no, her survival depended on it. But she surrendered that night before Ilos. Love touched her with Kaidan's lips. His hands, as they claimed her, created a need even the vacuum of space couldn't kill.

...0...

Jacob cleared his throat. _Damn cock block_, she thought.

Shepard held onto Kaidan for a minute more until he shifted his weight back. The longing she felt intensified as he let go of her waist allowing distance to return between them, a concrete wall of pain and unanswered questions. How she wanted to claw it down, but she stood at attention, her persona as a soldier demanding it.

Kaidan spoke, his raspy voice tinged with sadness. "I thought you were dead. We all did."

"I thought about you, only you, as I was dying. Nothing's changed for me. I know it's been two years, but for me it's only been days. Please, let's be how we were," is what she wanted to say, but what stumbled out of her mouth sounded more like, "It's been too long. How've you been?"

"That's all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?" He grabbed her hand and leaned in closer, "I thought we had something, Shepard. Something real. I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

His admission then use of the past tense startled her. He loved her, not loves. Not loves.

She swallowed. "I'm sorry. I was clinically dead. It took them two years to bring me back. A lot of time has passed. You've moved on." She meant to ask as a question, but it ended as a statement. An omen.

He dropped her hand and took a step back. "I did move on. At least I thought I did. But now we've got reports of you with Cerberus."

"Reports? You mean you already knew?" Garrus asked, his voice rattling Shepard. The snap of his rifle's safety further sobered her. Had it been on or off before? She couldn't tell.

Kaidan regarded Garrus for a second and then his focus traveled to Jacob. Shepard watched Kaidan's jaw tense as he sized up the former Corsair. Jacob didn't flinch. "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. I got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit."

Kaidan's gaze returned to Shepard, his mouth taut with anger. "Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead, that you were working for the enemy."

Shepard's core began to tremble. Her allies no longer had her six. Even Anderson, her savior, her adopted father in all but name didn't trust her. Memories, like dust scattering through the abandoned colony, swept through her mind; Anderson rescuing her from a hit gone bad, urging her to enlist, congratulating her after graduation, coaching her to be a better officer and N7 marine then finally giving her control of the Normandy. These images she'd held onto, did they mean nothing? She never asked to die.

Shepard steadied her voice enough to ask, "Building the defense towers was just a cover story, the Alliance sent you to investigate me, didn't they?"

"I was here for Cerberus. You were just a rumor. I wanted to believe you were alive, but I never expected anything like this." Kaidan's brow creased as he raised his voice. "You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

Shepard grabbed his arm, her gloved hand humming with biotic friction. "You know me. You know I'd only do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself. The Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers."

"I want to believe you, but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Dammit, Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat." Garrus snarled.

Kaidan glared at him, blue energy rippling from his hands.

Shepard tried to speak calmly, "You're letting how you feel about their history get in the way of the facts."

Kaidan's rage redirected to Shepard as he yanked his arm away from her. "Maybe. Or maybe you feel you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight."

His eyes traveled over her scarred face, evidence of the trauma she'd endured. Shepard bristled as he said, "You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not. Goodbye, Shepard, and be careful."

The diplomat within Jane Shepard disappeared as Kaidan Alenko turned his back to her. No argument or game-changing words spewed from her lips as they had in the past. Her throat burned with a sob screaming to be released. She'd inspired soldiers to die for her, yet she couldn't get this one to stay. Shepard debated whether or not to chase after him, to beg if she had to, but her body wouldn't allow it. Numbness coated every cell as she slipped back into the role of being Commander Shepard. It's all she had. Her life was like the new ghost town of Horizon, covered in filth and made hollow.

Shepard sighed and held the transmitter to her ear. "Joker, send the shuttle. I've had enough of this colony."

Within minutes, the Kodiak landed a few meters from their position. The afterburners kicked up errant dirt while a renegade tear raced down her cheek. She quickly covered her face, wishing she'd brought her helmet and sprinted to the shuttle. After strapping herself in, she noticed the sympathetic looks from her squad mates. They both sat across from her, silent, but somehow loud with pity. Jacob's attention shifted to the window when Shepard challenged him. Garrus, on the other hand, chose devotion to his sniper rifle.

The door clicked as its seals engaged and Shepard shivered. Garrus raised his head, but this time she was the one to look away, choosing instead to watch the rounded surface of the planet blend into the blackness of space. She hoped to see Kaidan's ship, one last indication of his existence. Would he think about her as he traveled back to the Citadel? Would he defend her honor?

Her shoulders slumped forward. _No._

She balanced her head in her hands, elbows on knees, and kept her eyes shut until the Kodiak docked with the Normandy. _Almost home_, she thought.


End file.
